Musings of a Servant of Allah
Verily in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest. (13:28)Archive for Clinical day
Inspiration
When I grow up, I want to be an oncologist.
Today was, by far, the best day I’ve had at hospital. Although a large part of it involved chasing up a doctor who wasn’t returning my page/calls etc….things worked themselves out, and I spent an inspiring hour or so chatting to a patient up on the medical oncology ward. It was such a privilege, listening to this man’s incredible journey through battling with cancer. He’s on his second round of chemotherapy, and I was so moved by his strength and optimism.
I told him how I would love to specialise in oncology, and he was so supportive. He said something along the lines of “I’m sure you’ll be very good at it. Imagine the comfort you’ll bring to so many patients.” Aw!
Moments like these remind me why I signed up to this degree to begin with, and I’m so grateful. Patients teach me so much. His wife dropped in towards the end of our conversation and was so touched by my presence….she insisted that I stay with him and take a thorough medical history! I already had, and would have loved to stay and chat more, but I had a dinner appointment with a good friend (*wave!*) and didn’t want to be later than I already was.
I was so moved by his honesty. He said that he felt that his world had ended when he got the results of his biopsy. The words ‘cancer’, ‘chemotherapy’ and ‘radiotherapy’ carried such negative connotations, but the multidisciplinary cancer care team was absolutely pivotal in helping him and his family move forward. They described the team as being fantastic, efficient, caring, supportive…I feel so proud to belong to such a great team of health care professionals 
Alhamdulilah.
They asked me to pop by and visit while he’s still having chemotherapy over the next few days. Again, that was so touching. I’ll make the time to do that, inshaAllah.
On another note: while I was up at the front desk of the oncology ward, hovering around and waiting for a doctor/nurse to speak to and ask for good patients to take histories from….I watched one of the doctors. He sat down, and looked so distant, and so very very sad. When I whispered a very discreet “Excuse me? I’m Raidah, a medical student…”, he immediately looked up, snapped out of it, and smiled and me with surprising warmth. Who knows what thoughts went through his mind. Did he just lose a patient? A loved one? Is he going through personal problems? Incredible, how it’s easy to forget how oncologists and other health care professionals are people too. We all have our vulnerabilities.
Under scrutiny
So now I’m in my second week of oncology. Already! It’s been an exhausting blur. But all very interesting. Oncology is a fascinating field of medicine….it’s interesting, how everything finally fits together. We’ve spent first and second year studying all the body systems, and now oncology ropes it all together. Because we’re meant to know all the systems by now. Right?
Right. Clearly, I’m a little lost right now :p
Changes in context unsettle me. I like feeling in control and on top of things, so changing into full-time hospital after the big exam was a real blow to my equilibrium. But, alhamdulilah, I’m getting back to where I ought to be. One step at a time.
Part of the stress of medical school is the continual situation of being under scrutiny. Everyone’s watching you when you’re up on the wards. The doctors, your colleagues, the patients, the nurses – everyone. On good days, I can rise to the occasion, ‘own the space’, know exactly what I’m supposed to do and say with the patient…but on bad days, it’s not so great.
On bad days, I get the med school equivalent of ‘two left feet’. But hey, better now then when I’m an intern right? At least I get the chance of being corrected by the amused doctors. Sigh. The doctor today was particularly astute and picked out my biggest problem when it comes to doing physical examinations – I just go through the motions, with no clear aim, and I get a little anxious. He also told me to “Take control!” I think he felt a little sorry for me too…hence his kind apology for needing to correct me. That was nice of him. It’s a given that I’ll make mistakes until I’m more experienced, but it’s always good to see doctors who remember that once, they were clumsy students too
Med students: listen to the feedback you get from your tutors. Clinical time is precious, and what you put in is what you get out. Don’t get too stuck in book study, because although that’s important, whether you like it or not, you’re going to be that intern left on call. So have that framework for takng a history and doing a physical exam. Practice on patients now! You only get one chance at being a student. Use it well.
And when things get tough…remember what Dory said in Finding Nemo “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming…”
First week back
SO TIRED!
And we haven’t even done all that much. lol. More later inshaAllah.
An ode to patients
Ordinarily, my path would never cross with the men and women whom I’ve had the privilege of speaking to, up on the hospital wards. Each of us live such different lives: diverse cultural backgrounds, faiths, socioeconomic class….and even if we did meet, it would be on a neutral grounds. Teacher/student. Neighbours. Colleagues.
Yet death, sickness and grief unite us. And the rawness of human vulnerability confronts me, each time, with every single patient I’ve met.
These patients have taught me the importance of strength in the face of adversity. Their ability to laugh amidst a sea of incredible pain. The love and concern of their family.
Mr X up on bed 25 in Ward C isn’t just a disease. He’s a human being. A person, like you and I, with hopes, fears and dreams for the future. Who has children, a wife, and parents who frustrate yet delight him, in turn. Just like you and I. A man who has experienced the richness and fullness of life, before being suddenly being struck down. Here, in hospital, he is stripped bare of his credentials, and often, his very dignity.
And when I sit there, with him, and routinely ask him the questions which I’ve been taught: history of his presenting illness, past medical history, social history, family history…..I see him at his most vulnerable.
He’s scheduled for surgery, and the surgeons are hoping to remove the cancer in his rectum, but every operation carries its risks. I ask him if he had ever consulted his GP about the blood in his stool….he slowly shakes his head, looks away, and says, softly, “I guess I should have.”
While I sit there with my pen and notepad, asking him these questions, I glean a snapshot of his life – yet how can I fathom how he truly feels? Words can only convey so much. Words are sterile and safe. Words describe the symptoms, signs and disease processes, but words can never encapsulate the terror, fear, shock and grief he may be feeling. I can describe to you, in wonderous detail, the colour, consistency, and odour of his faeces, yet I am not trained for anything beyond that. His agony is his own. I grieve over that distance.
He looks tired. I stop, thank him for his time, and leave the ward, wondering if he’ll manage to return to his family. For all I know, that could be the one of the final medical histories he is able to give.
Being in medical school has placed me at the interface between life and death.
Humanity at its most vulnerable.
When I grow up…
..inshaAllah, I want to be as inspiring a teacher as my clinical tutor is.
He is the essence of the person who’s ‘up there’, yet doesn’t forget about the ‘little people’, so to speak. He isn’t only a great doctor, he’s an amazing role model. He continually pushed us to greater heights, made us appreciate the gravity of our eventual responsibilities, and provided a great schema for us to learn from. He took time out to help me, a super junior medical student, and was happy to do so! Imagine being a senior doctor, running around in the Emergency Ward, being followed by junior doctors, and a student . The junior doctors weren’t as thrilled to have me around, vying for his attention :p He attended to them, then made sure that I had his undivided attention, before returning to his duties. I’ll remember how he remembered me, in the midst of the chaos of the ED.
Alhamdulilah, he said to me today “You’ve made great gains throughout this block.”
May Allah guide Him to Islam.
*
Sunnipath’s lessons on spirituality have been an incredible coping mechanism, alhamdulilah. The next semester starts in late September/October, so make sure you sign up!
One of those days…
It’s only dunya. Only dunya.
Does anyone else every feel this way? Absolutely exhausted upon coming home, seeking solace in solat, only to realise that there’s still more work to be done.
I’m so tired.
Running around the wards can be exhausting. Mind you, I’m still in my junior years, so it only gets tougher. Subhanallah. A step at a time. I must remember that Allah doesn’t burden me more than I can bear.
Our clinical tutor is incredible, alhamdulilah, and has high expectations.
“It will take you years before hitting that critical mass….before you really start feeling like a doctor. Before you’re confident enough to take ownership of the patient. In terms of patient consent…there’s a lot of paperwork. But it boils down to you facing a patient who’s bleeding to death at three in the morning, scared out of their mind, unable to speak English, and looking to YOU for help.”
May Allah give me strength. Ya Rabb, there is so much responsibility ahead of me.
Add the academic stress to the social aspect of dealing with my colleagues/peers, and it’s quite a combination. Their smalltalk mind-boggles me. They speak of attending the latest rock concert, their boyfriend/girlfriend, make jokes about the most inappropriate things….and I feel increasingly isolated, by virtue of simply not living their lifestyle.
They must find me so strange. I don’t drink, don’t do drugs, don’t have a boyfriend, don’t put up with sexual innuendo/inappropriate jokes, keep running off to pray (“How many times do you pray again??”), am proud enough of my faith to wear a headscarf, don’t feel the need to play the popularity game…the list goes on.
It’s difficult sometimes, being so different. Some days I don’t care what others think, other days I do. Life is a test.
Rasulullah (SAW) said “Islam began as something strange and it will revert to how it began as something strange. So glad tidings of Paradise to the strangers.”
This saying our Beloved Prophet alleviates some of that pain. I’ll never be accepted by my non-Muslim friends, in that all-encompassing buddy-buddy sense. I’ll always feel different. Strange. Odd. People may think I’m backward for wearing the hijab. Others may find me boring for not joining them for Friday night drinks at the pub. Some may feel sorry for me, thinking that my parents have a loveless arranged marriage up their sleeves.
Does all that matter? Really? In the larger scheme of things, where we will all die, be ressurrected, and then brought before Allah?
Not really.
All I need is Allah and His Mercy. O Allah, bring tranquility into my heart. Keep me on the path of Islam.
This excerpt from this website sums it up beautifully:
When many people around you are following false paths and putting pressure on you to do likewise, remember that you are responsible only for your own soul and those that stray will not be able to harm you if you stick to the straight path. Allaah says in the Quran,
O you who believe, take care of your own selves. No hurt can come to you from those who are in error if you follow the right guidance. (Quran 5:105)
Remember, also, that those who stray also will not be able to help you in the Hereafter if you decide to stray with them.
Remember also the reward for being patient during such times. I mentioned a portion of a hadith of the Prophet (May Allaah raise his rank and grant him Peace) earlier. Here it is in its entirety:
“After you there are going to be days of patience. The patience during that time is like the one clutching on to a hot coal. The one who works and does good deeds during that time will receive the reward of fifty men who do deeds similar to him”.
They asked, “O Messenger of Allaah, fifty people of them [at that time]?” He answered,
“The reward of fifty from among you [the Companions]“
Allaah willing, by sticking and adhering to the Quran and Sunnah in these days – when Islaam has become strange, when people are following their own opinions or the opinions of others in preference to the Quran and Sunnah, when people are chasing after this world and forgetting about the Hereafter – those people who try to oppose you will not be able to harm you in any way. You will be from among those Muslims whom the Prophet (May Allaah raise his rank and grant him Peace) described in the following hadith:
“A group of my nation will always remain truimphant on the right path and continue to be truimphant (against their opponents). He who deserts them shall not be able to do them any harm. They will remain in this position until Allaah’s Command (the day of Judgement) is executed”. (Muslim)
Your loneliness and being a stranger in this life will be replaced by being with the best companions in the Hereafter. In the Hereafter, Allaah willing, you will be united with the Prophets, the martyrs, the sincere and the righteous – those upon whom Allaah has bestowed His grace. You suffered as a stranger in this world for the sake of Allaah and Allaah will replace your suffering with the best of companions in the Hereafter.
Do not despair! Do not be sad! Do not worry about those people who are the strangers to the truth. As long as you are certain that you are truly following the footsteps of the Prophet (May Allaah raise his rank and grant him Peace) and his Companions, know that you are on the Straight Path. Those around you who have strayed are strangers to the truth and have no glad tidings to look forward to. You, on the other hand, have the glad tidings of the Prophet (May Allaah raise his rank and grant him Peace):
“Tuba [the tree in Paradise] is for the Strangers”
So take heart, my brothers and sisters in Islam, and may we be reunited in Jannah, inshallah.
Another day on the wards
Clinical Day equals me and a bunch of other medical students following consultants around like ducklings, busy jotting down notes and HOPING that you won’t be the one who’s picked to interview/examine a patient. Except I know I’ll be picked tomorrow. I know it’s the best way to learn, but still….being cross-examined like that is unnerving. Gah. Reading up so I can prepare. Some doctors are nicer than others…..others just slaughter you.
Student, to patient: (kindly) Does your wife want you back home soon?
Patient, with rare, incurable disease*: (Despairing) Yes!
Doctor, to student: Don’t ask stupid questions like that.
The rest of us: (cringe because that was a Nice Empathic Thing To Ask a DepressedPatient)
Doctor: (ruthlessly continues) A classic one from a few years back would have been a student asking a blind patient – “Does it feel bad, being blind?” You’re not doing a social work degree, you’re doing a medical degree. So ask relevant questions. Not ones with obvious answers.
Student: (Smiles bravely and nods)
I would have melted into a puddle. Seriously.
Clearly, empathy shall have to happen when old-school doctor/tutors aren’t looking on! The autonomy that comes with being a JMO (junior medical officer) is where kindness can come in, I guess. Right now, being a student equals being at the bottom of the pecking order. It’s all about rolling with the punches, knowing that I don’t know much, accepting that, and learning from everything that I do wrong! It’s all very, very humbling. The trick is to focus on what I do know, realise how much I have progressed, instead of focusing on what I don’t know and freaking out about it. That being said, daily, consistent revision is a must.
Inshallah it’ll all fall into place in time!
اللَّهُمَّ لا سَهْلَ إلَّا مَا جَعَلْتَهُ سَهْلاً وَ إنْتَ تَحْعَلُ الْحزْنَ إذَا شِئْتَ سَهْلاً
Allahumma la sahla illa ma ja’altu sahla, wa ‘anta taj-alul hazna idha shi’ta sahla
O Allah! There is nothing easy except what You make easy, and You make the difficult easy if it be Your Will
[Ibn Hibban]
*This man, may Allah guide him, was struck down by a mysterious illness. He was in perfect health, with no family history of ANYTHING (incredibly rare…someone you’re related to is bound to have heart disease/hypertension/diabetes etc). You don’t want to be ’special’ in a medical context, because that almost always means that there’s no cure. Specialists from all over the country were flown in, and to no avail. All the hospital can do now is keep him comfortable as possible (despite his unrelenting pain and wasted muscles) before he eventually dies of respiratory failure because soon, his muscles will be too weak to even allow him to breathe. Be grateful for the blessings of your health, always!
