Musings of a Servant of Allah
Verily in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest. (13:28)Archive for October, 2007
On denial
True story:
A middle-aged woman presents to the Emergency Department with bleeding. Turns out that she has cancer and she has not much long left to live.
She does not want the doctors to tell her family.
The cancer continues to spread. She is increasingly impaired by the pain, but goes on with life as usual. She does not take days off work so comes to hospital for treatment straight after her shifts end. She refuses community nurse home visits, refuses social worker care….she does not want anything out of the ordinary to happen to prevent her family from finding out.
She presents to the Emergency Department again with a huge, fungating mass. She is rushed up to the wards. Her distressed husband gets aggressive with the nurses and demands an explanation. The social worker begs her to please tell her husband the truth.
Social worker: Please tell your husband.
Woman: I can’t tell him. He’ll get upset.
Social worker: He is already upset.
Woman: You tell him. I can’t.
The social worker then gets a witness to that process of giving consent, goes to the husband in another room and tells him the diagnosis. He breaks down and says that he knew it, all along.
How did this woman hide a huge, fungating mass for so long?
The gynae-oncologist’s response: “The entire family – husband, wife and children were colluding in denial. They knew something was wrong but nobody spoke about it. There was another woman who presented with advanced breast cancer that had eaten through her chest wall. And her husband didn’t notice. People deny there’s a problem.”
This patient died soon after her husband and children found out. At least they had that time to say goodbye.
*
Thanks to a thoughtful reader’s astute response, I thought I’d elaborate a little more on this issue. By no means am I trivalising this very real and very sad story. Just remember that often, when I blog about these things, I’m exhausted myself, and sometimes find it tricky to do these entries justice. Also, if at any point you feel that I’m revealing too much identifying information about the patient, let me know. I’ll either delete the entry altogether, or adjust it it accordingly. A lot of these case studies have been taught to us as part of our medical degree, to teach us something. This is how medicine, as both a science and an art, is taught. Through case studies, through observing other patients, through dealing with other doctors.
The point of me sharing this story is this – the human race has a huge capacity for denial. We can tell ourselves that everything is okay to keep us functional. So if you have a loved one who has a health condition…don’t let it slide. Address it. Try to foster an environment of openness in your family as a whole, so if tragedies like cancer occur, you’re better able to deal with them, out in the open. It’s scary, but what’s scarier is your loved one dying a premature death, simply because everyone was too afraid to tackle it head on.
There’s a big difference between allowing a family to grieve, and shoving cold, hard ‘reality’ in their face. I say this with utmost respect to this amazing blogger, who lost a loved one to cancer. Nobody can really predict when anybody will die, let alone a cancer patient…but yes, it’s safe to say that their time is running out faster than you or I, due to their illness. But let’s not break their spirits by harping on about how hoping for the best is bad. Like Prof Chris O’Brien said – “There is no such thing as false hope.”
Ladies, do your pap smears! Gentlemen, visit your doctors regularly so you can get checked out before anything goes wrong. Stop smoking, cut down on your alcohol intake, make exercise and relaxation integral parts of your routine. Find out if you have any family history of disease, whether it be physical or psychological. It’s all about good self-care.
On suffering
Faith makes suffering, sufferable.
Hardship is part of the human condition. We all face trials. Custom made to test us the very limit. Some of us are tested in our health, wealth, loved ones…the the list goes on.
Night and day. Sunshine and rain.
Life is cyclical. Whether we like it or not, the ebb and flow of life will continue til the day we draw our last breath.
The key to staying afloat? Acceptance. Submit to the Divine Decree. Be proactive, do your part, and leave the rest to God.
A wise young woman told me this yesterday: “You’re going through hardship because you need to. Allah is preparing you for something better.”
Consider our Beloved Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him). He lost his parents and grandfather at a young age, lost his uncle, his wife, his sons, his friends…and each loss caused him immense pain. Yet he recovered, grew from each experience, and never once stopped thanking Allah for the blessings he did have.
So if you’ve hit a brick wall, take heart. This too, shall pass.
“Renunciation of the world is followed by peace; its desire brings sorrow. Restrain your desires, discipline your self, and do not allow anyone to oppress your soul.” (Rabi’a, Rabi’a the Mystic)
Inspiration
When I grow up, I want to be an oncologist.
Today was, by far, the best day I’ve had at hospital. Although a large part of it involved chasing up a doctor who wasn’t returning my page/calls etc….things worked themselves out, and I spent an inspiring hour or so chatting to a patient up on the medical oncology ward. It was such a privilege, listening to this man’s incredible journey through battling with cancer. He’s on his second round of chemotherapy, and I was so moved by his strength and optimism.
I told him how I would love to specialise in oncology, and he was so supportive. He said something along the lines of “I’m sure you’ll be very good at it. Imagine the comfort you’ll bring to so many patients.” Aw!
Moments like these remind me why I signed up to this degree to begin with, and I’m so grateful. Patients teach me so much. His wife dropped in towards the end of our conversation and was so touched by my presence….she insisted that I stay with him and take a thorough medical history! I already had, and would have loved to stay and chat more, but I had a dinner appointment with a good friend (*wave!*) and didn’t want to be later than I already was.
I was so moved by his honesty. He said that he felt that his world had ended when he got the results of his biopsy. The words ‘cancer’, ‘chemotherapy’ and ‘radiotherapy’ carried such negative connotations, but the multidisciplinary cancer care team was absolutely pivotal in helping him and his family move forward. They described the team as being fantastic, efficient, caring, supportive…I feel so proud to belong to such a great team of health care professionals 
Alhamdulilah.
They asked me to pop by and visit while he’s still having chemotherapy over the next few days. Again, that was so touching. I’ll make the time to do that, inshaAllah.
On another note: while I was up at the front desk of the oncology ward, hovering around and waiting for a doctor/nurse to speak to and ask for good patients to take histories from….I watched one of the doctors. He sat down, and looked so distant, and so very very sad. When I whispered a very discreet “Excuse me? I’m Raidah, a medical student…”, he immediately looked up, snapped out of it, and smiled and me with surprising warmth. Who knows what thoughts went through his mind. Did he just lose a patient? A loved one? Is he going through personal problems? Incredible, how it’s easy to forget how oncologists and other health care professionals are people too. We all have our vulnerabilities.
Under scrutiny
So now I’m in my second week of oncology. Already! It’s been an exhausting blur. But all very interesting. Oncology is a fascinating field of medicine….it’s interesting, how everything finally fits together. We’ve spent first and second year studying all the body systems, and now oncology ropes it all together. Because we’re meant to know all the systems by now. Right?
Right. Clearly, I’m a little lost right now :p
Changes in context unsettle me. I like feeling in control and on top of things, so changing into full-time hospital after the big exam was a real blow to my equilibrium. But, alhamdulilah, I’m getting back to where I ought to be. One step at a time.
Part of the stress of medical school is the continual situation of being under scrutiny. Everyone’s watching you when you’re up on the wards. The doctors, your colleagues, the patients, the nurses – everyone. On good days, I can rise to the occasion, ‘own the space’, know exactly what I’m supposed to do and say with the patient…but on bad days, it’s not so great.
On bad days, I get the med school equivalent of ‘two left feet’. But hey, better now then when I’m an intern right? At least I get the chance of being corrected by the amused doctors. Sigh. The doctor today was particularly astute and picked out my biggest problem when it comes to doing physical examinations – I just go through the motions, with no clear aim, and I get a little anxious. He also told me to “Take control!” I think he felt a little sorry for me too…hence his kind apology for needing to correct me. That was nice of him. It’s a given that I’ll make mistakes until I’m more experienced, but it’s always good to see doctors who remember that once, they were clumsy students too
Med students: listen to the feedback you get from your tutors. Clinical time is precious, and what you put in is what you get out. Don’t get too stuck in book study, because although that’s important, whether you like it or not, you’re going to be that intern left on call. So have that framework for takng a history and doing a physical exam. Practice on patients now! You only get one chance at being a student. Use it well.
And when things get tough…remember what Dory said in Finding Nemo “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming…”
First week back
SO TIRED!
And we haven’t even done all that much. lol. More later inshaAllah.
The Alchemist
….by Paulo Coehlo, is a brilliant book! Absolutely brilliant. Go to your nearest library and read it/buy it from your nearest bookshop. Yes, it’s that good. Universal kind of read. Such a great story because it addresses a fear we all face at some stage of our lives. Fear of failure. Everyone has a dream, so to speak, and it takes courage to live that out. It’s easier to just give in, make excuses..but we’ll never truly be happy that way.
*
Sigh. Back to hospital tomorrow. I’m not ready. Am I ever ready?? Gah! Time to roll with the punches, as usual. Oncology block should be very interesting…palliative care…end-of life treatment. Should be very informative. I’m just a little tired. It’s good that Eid happened after my exams finished…it was a great way to celebrate the end of Ramadan, and such exhausting study. We still have our practical exam coming up at the end of November, but I’ll take that as it comes.
The dentistry girls have it much harder, I have to say. They have to learn med stuff plus dent stuff, plus oral surgery stuff….one of them is so positive about it, and says that it’s character-building That takes optimism. We all have our ups and downs, and draw strength from our respective traditions.
On no soul does God Place a burden greater than it can bear, it gets every good that it earns, and it suffers every ill that it earns. Pray: “Our Lord! Condemn us not if we forget or fall into error; Our Lord! Lay not on us a burden Like that which You did lay on those before us; Our Lord! Lay not on us a burden greater than we have strength to bear. Blot out our sins, and grant us forgiveness. Have mercy on us. You are our Protector; Help us against those who stand against faith.” [Chapter 2, verse 286]
Eid Mubarak! (or Selamat Aidilfitri)
Umm Atiyah (ra) reported: “The Messenger of Allah (saw) commanded us to bring out on Eid-al-Fitr and Eid-al-Adha, young women, hijab-observing adult women and the menstruating women. The menstruating women stayed out of actual Salaat but participated in good deeds and Duaa (supplication). I (Umm Atiyah) said to the Holy Prophet (saw): Oh! Messenger of Allah, one does not have an outer garment. He replied: Let her sister cover her with her garment.” (Muslim)
Eid Mubarak, dear reader! Or Selamat Aidilfitri/Hari Raya Words, once cannot encapsulate the radiant joy which this blessed day brings. May Allah protect you and your loved ones, always.
My family and I have the absolute privilege of living 10 minutes away from the masjid….so here’s a snapshot of this morning:
Ahmad: Wake up! Eid prayer starts at 6:45 am.
Me: Uuuuugh.
Household: *General commotion, sounds of last-minute ironing, showering, “Have you fed the cats??”, “Did Mak (mum) already leave for the masjid??”, all against the soothing backdrop of takbeeratul Eid wafting from the radio*
Radio: *live broadcast from the nearby masjid* Allahuakbar!
Boys: Oh no! It’s started! *Ahmad and Abdul Hadi dash off*
Muhummed: Funny how slow it takes to button your clothes when you’re late.
Me: Murphy’s Law.
Muhummed: Where are my socks? Ah. Got it. Ok let’s go.
Me and Muhummed: *Shut the door and start jogging to the masjid*.
Muhummed: So what’s the ruling on running to the masjid?
Me: Well it’s best not to, just to maintain dignity…
Muhummed: Ok. Well they’re still on the first ra’kaat, so that’s a good sign.
Both of us: *We maintain the brisk pace, the sound of the imam’s beautiful recitation grows louder as we draw closer…and the sight of worshippers overflowing from the masjid and into the street tugs unbearably at our heartstrings*
Me: *getting emotional* Ok, maybe you should say goodbye to dignity just for now so you can make it to the prayer on time!
Muhummed: Ok! Bye!
It is absolutely breathtaking, seeing rows and rows of worshippers bowing in unison.
It’s a reflection, once again, of the paradisial reality. Angels scattered throughout the heavens worship Allah throughout their lifespans, so when we mortal humans put the world behind and raise our hands in prayer, we embrace our angelic natures. By the same token, when we recklessly succumb to baser desires, we sink to the level of unthinking animals.
Eid is all about celebrating our angelic natures. For an entire month, during daylight hours, we successfully abstained from all those things which mark our creatureness – the need for food, water, and the act of procreation. By effectively suspending our creatureness, we better orient ourselves towards God, every soul’s true north.
May Allah accept our fasts and bless us with the opportunity to greet the next Ramadan.
*
And when the prayer ends, everybody gets up, and order dissolves into chaos. Ha, another reflection. The trick is to maintain that inner tranquility one feels inside prayer, outside prayer. The state of ‘eternal prostration’ which the realised Sufi attains.
The mad hunt for friends and family begins.
This is part of the fun of Eid at the masjid. Navigating through the throngs of people, prams and police officers. lol.
It’s always great, bumping into old friends from highschool, my previous university, my current university…reminds me of how connected we all really are, despite our different directions in life. We all worship the same God.
Beauty
I’m typing this on Anu’s laptop, looking at the view from her balcony.
Huge, indigo clouds are coasting through the sky. They look like humpback whales.
*
I saw two gorgeous little girls at the post office today. They were with their father. All three of them had the same stunning, liquid, green-hazel eyes. It was heart-warming…watching them.
*
On accountability
Praise be to Allah, Lord of the Worlds, for blessing me with another day of life on this Earth. May He bless me with the privilege of being one of His beloved slaves. Imagine that – Allah turning to the angels in the heavens, and telling them that He loves me. There is no greater honour. O Allah, let me be worthy of your love.
I spoke to my mother once, during one of my darker moods, and asked her this: “What’s the point anyway? Of all this? We’re all going to die anyhow.”
She smiled at me and said in her quiet, unassuming way, “Well…this is a very susah (difficult) state to get to, but the point is to want to reach Allah. And that is very beautiful.”
Yet again, she has the answer.
*
‘Rabb’ is by far one of the most poorly translated words in the Arabic language. It’s loosely translated as ‘Lord’, so ‘Rabb-el-alamin’ would mean ‘Lord of the World’….but the word has far more depth to that.
Rabb means Creator, Sustainer, one who raises us in degrees…one who is concerned for our well-being. He loves us more than we love ourselves.
Shaykh Nuh says that the one who sees reality for what it truly is, will measure his or her actions against the yardstick of eternity. Will this bring me closer to or further away from Allah?
Hence the title of this post. It’s all about accountability.
I want to live my life according to two cardinal rules:
1) Giving Allah His due
2) Giving everyone else (including myself) their due.
Easier said than done, no? Giving Allah His due means performing all my obligatory and recommended acts of worship with the intention of seeking His Countenance. Giving everyone else their due means acknowledging the rights of others upon me – including my own body parts. Muslims believe that on the Day of Judgement, our own body parts will speak against us, if we had sinned with them in this life.
It makes sense. Everything is on loan. Our bodies, souls, families, talents, wealth…..it’s all a test to see who will do good.
That which is on earth we have made but as a glittering show for the earth, in order that We may test them – as to which of them are best in conduct. [Chapter 18, verse 7]
Life, to me anyway, wouldn’t make sense any other way. Without an Afterlife and A Fair Judge…. too many souls are abandoned to the vagaries of fate. And life is cruel. There is far too much injustice and bloodshed on this Earth for this life to simply be it.
God will not wrong us in the least.
*
Shaykh Naeem has this fascinating concepts of many things in this world being reflections of the paradisial reality. How does one define reality, to begin with? Let’s check good ol’ Wikipedia:
Reality, in everyday usage, means “the state of things as they actually exist.” The term reality, in its widest sense, includes everything that is, whether or not it is observable or comprehensible. Reality in this sense may include both being and nothingness, whereas existence is often restricted to being (compare with nature).
So Muslims believe that this life is a temporary reality, whereas the afterlife is the eternal reality. The real reality, if you may. With that in mind, Allah, in His mercy, has ‘dropped hints’, so to speak. Clues that point to our Eternal Home.
Look at the ritual of Hajj, for example. Totally strange, at surface glance. Leaving the world behind, wearing simple garments, men shave their heads, and everyone circumambulates around this big black box (Kaa’ba) in the middle of the desert.
What I didn’t realise til very recently was the fact that 70,000 angles circumambulate around an equivalent black box (Baytul Makmur), in the heavens, every day, until the Day of Judgement.
Spine-tingling, isn’t it? We were all made for eternity. This world is just a pit stop. A tantalising, alluring pit stop for some…..and absolute hell hole for others. Personally, the former is far more useful as far as saving our souls is concerned! The more attached you are to this world, the easier it is to find God irrelevant. The more hardship you face, the easier it is to fall to your knees and beseech His help.
May Allah keep us steadfast and on the straight path.
The madness of fiction
Second day of freedom!
Feels strange, to say the least. I mean sure, technically I have Wednesday-Sunday off before the final 5 weeks at of full-time uni over at Westmead Hospital….and that could seem rather short, but it feels like practical infinity. I am grateful for every non-study moment which I have.
Stephanie Meyer’s books are great Been plowing through them over the past few days. Escapism via fiction is a fascinating kind of drug. Sci-fi/fantasy has that effect on me.
My current thoughts are this – how do you balance being in this world, while not being completely consumed in this world? Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) was with God, constantly, in that sense, while it can be a struggle for me to keep focused in prayer.
Ramadan is almost over. May Allah grant me and my loved ones the blessing of meeting the next. Death is something so remote from our minds, but do any of us, really have that guarantee of getting through tomorrow in one piece? Hm. Nobody does. But we live under false illusions that every day is just another day, when we’re really a step closer to Reality. We’re all on countdown. I forget that, too easily.
I’ve been feeling disconnected. Disjointed. Definitely time to amp up the acts of worship going again, especially in these last days of Ramadan.
May Allah keep us grounded and God-centered, while being on this Earth
Imam Ash-Shafiee would say, “Time is like a Sword. Cut it (wisely), before it cuts you!”
